Post by Jeff on Apr 17, 2006 19:06:06 GMT -5
If life is a movie, here’s a major spoiler:
Jenn and I may be calling it quits sometime over the summer. The reason is thoroughly embarrassing and largely unimportant considering how severe the consequences will be if we do. (I figure most of you already know the details, since that’s how things go in this tightly knit group—that is really a kind of compliment, honestly. If anyone doesn’t and is interested, I’d be happy to share anything with you via PM.) Jenn is leaving with the girls at the end of May for a vacation with my mom and, later on, hers. But really, the month will function as a trial separation, though it was never intended to be such. By summer’s end, we should have some kind of decision made, and, of course, I’ll let you guys know as soon as I know something. But I don’t right now…
I am going to use this thread to discuss my feelings about what is going on in my life during this process. So, if this kind of sharing is not your bag, then just ignore these posts. The truth is I never would have had the courage to tackle such a project if I had not been reading Lonnie’s blog over the past two months. She is—and has always been—much more fearless than I am. I will avoid most of the gory details and instead focus on a…well, you might have guessed this…a musical project.
Though I had no intention of doing so when I did my Rearview in the Rain project, I am thinking of adding another five songs to finish the story. The first four songs told the journey of the speaker up to the point where she could consider her past with love. The accident in Sympath was, of course, the divorce. And that is where I thought the project would end.
But now that this is happening to me, I want to see very practically what it means to lovingly save that which can be saved. So, I am planning—and this plan could and likely will change—a series of personal messages to the speaker’s family, which is either slowly dissolving or at least irrevocably changing. Each member of the family has certain personal characteristics that will make a divorce particularly difficult. The speaker means to address these from the standpoint she has attained. But I will be addressing my own family now as if the divorce is underway—even though I don’t know if that is what will really happen to us.
Very complicated, eh? Well, that’s what you get when you are your own therapist. I need to move away from that model and discuss things in a more or less public way with any of you who might be interested. I have a tendency to suppress and simply accept injustice (when I am the only one hurt)...because I can, I suppose. But that's a bad habit that I don't want my kids to pick up from me.
I never suspected—I swear to you—that my Rearview in the Rain project would be so strangely prescient. But here I am. It probably sounds completely odd to hear me talk this way about such a significant event. But I guess that’s just who I am. The good news is that my work on my musical project thus far, rehashing thoughts surrounding divorce (what I wish my parents had done and was glad they did during their divorce), has left me very calm. I am not really angry or very sad. I might be a little numb, but nothing that is affecting my work or my self image, which is perhaps a sign of gross arrogance. I feel as if I am witnessing an accident in slow motion and only I have the ability to prevent some of the injuries. That is what I am determined to do. Anyway, I am going to be working through some pretty significant thought experiments in the next few months, tracing likely trajectories through time and space for my family together and my family apart. We’ll just have to see what actually happens.
Jeff
Jenn and I may be calling it quits sometime over the summer. The reason is thoroughly embarrassing and largely unimportant considering how severe the consequences will be if we do. (I figure most of you already know the details, since that’s how things go in this tightly knit group—that is really a kind of compliment, honestly. If anyone doesn’t and is interested, I’d be happy to share anything with you via PM.) Jenn is leaving with the girls at the end of May for a vacation with my mom and, later on, hers. But really, the month will function as a trial separation, though it was never intended to be such. By summer’s end, we should have some kind of decision made, and, of course, I’ll let you guys know as soon as I know something. But I don’t right now…
I am going to use this thread to discuss my feelings about what is going on in my life during this process. So, if this kind of sharing is not your bag, then just ignore these posts. The truth is I never would have had the courage to tackle such a project if I had not been reading Lonnie’s blog over the past two months. She is—and has always been—much more fearless than I am. I will avoid most of the gory details and instead focus on a…well, you might have guessed this…a musical project.
Though I had no intention of doing so when I did my Rearview in the Rain project, I am thinking of adding another five songs to finish the story. The first four songs told the journey of the speaker up to the point where she could consider her past with love. The accident in Sympath was, of course, the divorce. And that is where I thought the project would end.
But now that this is happening to me, I want to see very practically what it means to lovingly save that which can be saved. So, I am planning—and this plan could and likely will change—a series of personal messages to the speaker’s family, which is either slowly dissolving or at least irrevocably changing. Each member of the family has certain personal characteristics that will make a divorce particularly difficult. The speaker means to address these from the standpoint she has attained. But I will be addressing my own family now as if the divorce is underway—even though I don’t know if that is what will really happen to us.
Very complicated, eh? Well, that’s what you get when you are your own therapist. I need to move away from that model and discuss things in a more or less public way with any of you who might be interested. I have a tendency to suppress and simply accept injustice (when I am the only one hurt)...because I can, I suppose. But that's a bad habit that I don't want my kids to pick up from me.
I never suspected—I swear to you—that my Rearview in the Rain project would be so strangely prescient. But here I am. It probably sounds completely odd to hear me talk this way about such a significant event. But I guess that’s just who I am. The good news is that my work on my musical project thus far, rehashing thoughts surrounding divorce (what I wish my parents had done and was glad they did during their divorce), has left me very calm. I am not really angry or very sad. I might be a little numb, but nothing that is affecting my work or my self image, which is perhaps a sign of gross arrogance. I feel as if I am witnessing an accident in slow motion and only I have the ability to prevent some of the injuries. That is what I am determined to do. Anyway, I am going to be working through some pretty significant thought experiments in the next few months, tracing likely trajectories through time and space for my family together and my family apart. We’ll just have to see what actually happens.
Jeff
